Me [27 M] just had my first kiss with a girl [23 F], and I’m not sure what to feel
First, some background: I know right from the offset this is not normal, but I’ve never had a girlfriend or been in a relationship so far. I’d guess it’s probably due to some combination of growing up in a conservative country, shyness, average looks, being introverted, etc. For perspective, I’m 5’10», 150 lbs, have a decent job in the city, and have my share of friends and hobbies.
Until yesterday, the most I did was to once hold hands with a girl. I guess I’ve had strong feelings for two women in my life, but it wasn’t mutual and things faded out. I’m not pretending my situation is normal, and I’m aware enough to know something’s off with never having had a relationship, but otherwise I’m actually quite happy with life. Of course, finding someone special would be a welcome addition, but I do enjoy my life, work, and activities, and don’t want to be in a relationship just for it’s own sake. As I said, she has to be someone special.
Anyway, the past month, my buddy introduced me to the world of online dating, and it’s been a revelation; great way to expand my social circle and meet interesting women! Which brings me to the crux of my story. I recently met someone with whom I hit it off really well. We have a lot of common interests, and we’ve been on a couple of dates. Yesterday, I invited her over, and I was really looking forward to it. Things went well, until I had my first kiss, and we started making out. Sounds awesome, right?
Only, emotionally I felt nothing the whole time we were making out. I do think she’s hot, and was looking forward to enjoying the kiss and maybe feel a deeper emotional connection, but only, I was thinking about the mechanics of making out the entire time. Like in a strange and surreal way, how funny and ridiculous the whole thing was. It wasn’t the magic I thought it’d be. It’s hard to describe, but I feel like I should be feeling something else… I felt a much stronger emotional connection when I did something as small as holding hands that one time.
Is there anyone else who can relate? Should it be more natural? What should I be feeling and thinking? Sorry for the ramble, but I feel like a terrible person because she clearly seemed into it and wanted more, but it felt so weird that I had to stop and I now I worry she feels used.
The weird thing is, I am physically attracted to her, but emotionally I don’t feel a thing and even if she were to walk away tomorrow I’d be totally fine with it, and this is my biggest worry. It’s like, because I’ve never had a normal dating life growing up, it’s totally screwed up my capacity to emotionally bond with someone and feel a connection, and I don’t know how to fix it.
tl;dr: I just had my first kiss at age 27 and it wasn’t what I expected and I still feel emotionally distant. Can anyone relate/give advice?
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