Acknowledge why you don’t trust your boyfriend. There can be a number of reasons, from not hearing from him, lack of contact, or something someone else said. Your own instinct tends to add its overlay of worry too, adding up things that may or may not be important. Some of the reasons why your trust may be tested include:
You have been privy to a recent revelation about him that casts suspicions on his trustworthiness
You have had an argument with him and it not only left you feeling sour but left many questions unanswered
You feel that he has betrayed your trust in him by something that he has done, said, or openly acknowledged to you
You feel that he is slipping away — he calls you less, he’s not coming around to see you much, or he seems to be seeing other people without asking you along too
You have some other reason for not trusting him.
Take it slowly and calm yourself down. Paranoia over the fact that you don’t trust him will can cause you to deepen your mistrust rather than to want to seek some valid answers. Whatever has happened to set off your suspicions, it’s more than likely that you don’t have the full story or perhaps you’re not even seeing all the relevant events properly. Before you discard all trust, it is important to do some thinking, questioning, and following up, to get the story straight. Focus on what is at stake and the importance of the relationship, no matter how hard it may seem and no matter how tempting it is to prefer assuming a negative viewpoint of him.
Think about your past relationships. Have they ended in heartbreak, mistrust, and anger? If so, you may be primed to be suspicious about a subsequent boyfriend’s motives. Having someone betray your trust hurts, and can carry on into your next relationship. If this is the case, talk to your boyfriend about your past relationship (or relationships) and tell him what happened and why it hurt you. Not only will doing this increase your trust in him, he will be able to understand what lies behind your paranoia. Depending on the type of guy he is, he may even be able to help you work through the challenge.
If you’re stuck in an emotional situation where you don’t feel that you’re able to move past the hurt, this can be a good time to speak with a therapist or counselor in order to mend the wounds of any past relationship that might have caused you to feel paranoid or anxious about current relationships.
Talk to him about why you don’t trust him. Use tact, but be honest with him. Guys prefer blatant honesty to constantly avoiding, embellishing, or twisting the subject. If you talk to him about it, not only will it make you feel better, but his trust in you will be likely t increase because he’ll feel that, even though you don’t trust him, you had to courage to come out and talk to him about it anyway. Whatever his response, your courage in speaking so clearly makes you a very good and honest person.
Go the extra mile to increase his trust in you. Be honest, caring, understanding, and trustworthy yourself, before asking someone to do the same. Don’t gossip about him and don’t be condescending or negative about him to other people; it will get back to him and will only make things harder for you to fix. Open up a little more yourself; this is especially important if you’ve been keeping your concerns and most intimate self from him.
Keep the line of communication open, and let him know what is going on in your life. You don’t have to tell him about every time that you stub your toe, or what you ate for breakfast yesterday, but do tell him things. Tell him funny (or sad) stories about your past and encourage him to do the same.
Learn to let little things go. This step is one that is easily overlooked but is vital. Remember that there may be genuine, non-harmful, and even laugh-worthy reasons for why things have happened that caused you to mistrust him. What is important to a guy may not be what is important to a girl, and he may simply have thought nothing of it, while you’re busy blowing it all out of proportion. A simple request to explain the situation will suffice in that case. Forgetfulness is a big one with many guys. It’s unintentional but it can be infuriating. For example, maybe he just forgot to tell you that he was going out with his friends the same night you wanted to borrow his car. Maybe you didn’t tell him, so there was no reason for him to even get that there was an issue; even if you did tell him, maybe it was when he was focused on doing something and he just didn’t hear you properly. Whatever the reason, find it out from him before assuming it from within. You’ll know whether or not the answers you’re given ring true and you can work from there. If they do ring true, let go, let go, let go! Give him the benefit of the doubt and don’t assume that he is cheating on you or even not telling you things.
Remember that your boyfriend is only human, and will forget things without meaning to. If it was important, remind him gently instead of cussing him out. If it wasn’t important, let it go and remember that the little thing fall-outs that go un-blamed can prevent the enormous fight that would have resulted otherwise.
Hold yourself to the same standard before unleashing your anger. Have you always remembered absolutely everything? Do you always listen with absolute clarity? Do you like it when someone suggests that you’re not to be trusted? It is important to be compassionate in a relationship and that includes placing yourself into the situation he’s in before you approach it. At all times, remain calm and level-headed; shouting and berating any person does nothing to change the situation and can simply deepen the problems.
Take the time to create a firm and lasting bond with your boyfriend. Go on fun and romantic dates with each other, engage in activities outside of the bedroom, and don’t be serious all of the time. Happier relationships are ones in which there is a lot of room to move, a lot of laughter, and a great deal of trust. In fact, the more trust, often the tighter the bond you’ll create. The less trust, the more likely your relationship will end up laden with suspicion and dysfunctional behaviors. Embrace your inner (and more trusting) child, recognize the little, sweet things in life, and help your boyfriend to do the same:
Go to the park and have him push you on the swings.
Have a pillow or tickle fight.
Go to a restaurant and share a plate or a drink with each other.
Visit a zoo and have fun looking at all the animals.
Tease him, ever so gently, and let him tease you back. Couples that can handle teasing one another in a fun, kind way, tend to be couples that can handle each other’s criticism and enjoy each other’s love.
Learn the art of small talk. Sometimes telling each other «I love you, I love you, I love you» becomes a little too demanding and one-way. And too many deep and meaningful can make each of you resent hanging around each other for fear of when the «next big crisis» is about to crop up. Brighten up your time together by indulging in small talk as a way of filling in the moments where you’re just spending time together in each other’s company, without expecting anything of one another.
Last but not least, realize what you gain by loving in trust. While trust does expose us to the potential of another person’s betrayal, the opposite is worse – to never trust a person and to never learn what it feels like to have that trust reciprocated and blossom would be unthinkable. Acknowledge that trust encompasses fear of being hurt and yet understand that not being trustful will end up harming your happiness, rather than guarding it. And trust can protect your health; research has shown that people with greater trust are healthier and more humorous! Realize that trust doesn’t only let go of the other person, it also lets go of you, opening yourself to the possibilities that this time, you have connected with someone who will reciprocate the trust you’ve placed in him.
Try to be understanding and accepting when the little things come up. Your boyfriend will notice and appreciate the special relationship that the two of your share all the more for it.
Be aware of what your boyfriend is doing and don’t be completely blind to his fall-outs. In other words, be trusting but not naive. Trust is a two-way reality. Give of it but don’t allow it to be abused. If he is behaving suspiciously and strangely, talk to your girlfriends, or someone you know you can trust about your concerns. Having a sounding board of someone else can help you to work through the concerns realistically.
If he truly is cheating on you, find someone who is more deserving of your trust. If you feel like this is happening again and again to you, revise the type of boyfriend you keep falling for.
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